Redemption (/!\ EN ANGLAIS)

Voilà, j'ai retrouvé une sorte d'ébauche que j'avais fait il y a une dizaine de mois afin d'améliorer mon niveau d'anglais (je sais que c'est complètement con mais bon, ça me faisait une excuse pour passer le temps en plein milieu des révisions de maths ) :

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Prologue

A tall man was standing at the middle of a dark room only enlightened by a neon on the ceiling. This man was wearing a long brown raincoat which was falling down to ankles. His scarified face hardened when he heard the sound of the door opening and he turned to the newcomer. The newcomer was a pretty young man, not thirty years yet but more than twenty-five. The young man was wearing a simple black T-shirt and a jean, just if there was nothing wrong. This attitude irritated the inspector of the internals cases. If this man was here, it was for something serious, the young man could do an effort to show he was caring about it. The inspector sat down showing to the young man to do the same :

“Here we are” said the inspector of the internals cases, “Can we start ?”
“Yeah” replied the young man, putting a gun and a badge on the black table of the interrogation room
“Let's go”
“He was standing, alone in front of dead bodies, his bloody hands looking for another victim. I think I was lucky to be hidden behind a pipe because, if I wasn't, this certainly would have killed me. I knew I had to wait for the other agents but all the guys under my orders were facing down the street with a big bloody whole on the left chest in the place of the heart. I couldn’t pass on it. I don't know why, but I moved forward and stopped myself just in front of this insane man who was looking at with his bloodshot eyes :

“Stay freeze and put your hands in the head” I said, holding my gun “ You're under arrest”
“So, you're one of these CIA agents, aren't you ? But you seems to be very young. Too young to die, don't you think ?
“It's none of your business !” I replied “You can pretend to be confident, but I doesn't work on me !”
“But I'm not pretending anything, man. I know you won't be able to stop me so, I'm taking my time.”

I just said him to stop laughing at me and, without a thinking of why, he rushed at me, bringing out a knife. I shot in the air to scared him. And then...”
“Then... ?”
“I don't exactly know what's happened. All has arrived so quickly”
“Try to remember, it's important for us”
“I think the FBI agents came first. It's certainly what made him running away. I pursued him and we ran on several yards. Finally, he stopped his run and turned, facing me, and took an another hidden knife. He threw it to me. I managed to evade it and then, I shot. Two or three times.”
“Two or three ? Do you think it was necessary ? One wasn't enough ?”
“We learnt to shoot at least twice when I had to do it”
“It doesn't matter.”cut the inspector before starting back “Did you see where you've touch him ?”
“Yeah. One of my bullets was in his heart and the other touched him at the right arm”
“And the third ?”
“If I shot three times, I missed him once”
“Right. So, you've just said you killed this man, don't you”
“It was me or him !” said the young man, getting up “What would you do if you were me ?”
“That's not the question !” the inspector shouted “Calm down and sit down !”
“Just say me if you'd shot or not.”
“Shut up and just answer ! I'm the one who's asking question, is that clear ?” shouted again the inspector “Did you kill him or not ?”
“Yeah, I did it.”
“Well, that's a beginning. One of the victims was the agent Scott. To the thinking of the other agents, you seemed very close to her, don't you agent Carlston ?”
“I'm not sure to understand.”
“What were your relations ?”
“She wasn't my girlfriend if that's what you means.”
“But were you in love with her.”
“You're getting on my nerves with all those stupids questions !” said the young man, getting up again
“I haven't finished to talk to you !”
“Maybe, but I've finished to listen to you !” replied the young man, slamming the door.

The young man hurried to go out of the CIA headquarter while the inspector and the CIA director were talking about this agent's future :
“How was it ?”
“How the hell can you plan anything with a man like that ?” asked the inspector
“That's true he's not easy to get on with.” replied the director in a laugh “But, tell me, what's up next ?”
“I hate what I'm going to say” resigned the inspector “but I have to suspend him from his functions.”
“You're kidding !” answered back the director “Alex is one of the best agents we have and, with the Marabunta case, ...”
“I already know all of that” interrupted the inspector “but the law is the same for everyone. Just try to find someone else who'd be able to care of the Marabunta. We must stop this gang before it's too late”
“Tell me about it” answered the director “He was the only one to accept to take care of the Marabunta. All the others were scared.”
“Damn ! Here too ? Well, I'll see what I can do for him.”
“Thanks”
“I must go, now”

And the inspector left the headquarter, thinking at how he can explain the problem to his superiors.

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Désolé s'il reste des erreurs, j'ai tout relu mais il est toujours possible qu'il y en ait qui réussisse à se faufiler entre les mailles du filet.

Il y a effectivement des erreurs de langue, tant au niveau grammaire/orthographe que syntaxe des phrases, répétitions, mais je vais pas en parler parce que je me ferais basher par d'autres en moins de temps qu'il n'en faut pour dire Macarena. °° ( mais pour résumer, le niveau d'anglais est bon ! T'es au dessus de la majorité des titulaires de Bac S/ES/L que je connais. ( non, ne te sens pas visé, Naga, t'inquiète ! ))

Le texte en lui-même est un peu trop précipité, je trouve ; pas assez de développement sur l'intrigue, j'aurais aimé voir ça un peu plus long et complet.
Il te manque énormément de ponctuation, surtout dans les dialogues, fais attention. Ces derniers manquent également de vie, parfois ; je pense par exemple à la fin :

" - Thanks
- I must go, now "

Ce morceau là manque vraiment de vie, et c'est pas comme ça que je verrai la clôture d'un dialogue. Comme je l'ai déjà dit, je trouve que tu te répètes un peu trop, et ça se voit vers la fin du texte avec inspector/director/inspector/director/etc... à chaque ligne. Varie en les nommant d'une autre façon, ça rend le tout plus agréable rien qu'à l'oeil, tu verras.

Donc en bref, y'a des soucis au niveau de la langue, mais certains viennent de l'inattention et tout peut se corriger. Le fond manque de saveur, et reste pour moi une base à développer avant tout. Bilan plutôt positif, continue comme ça si jamais tu écris encore !

En fait, j'ai pas trop voulu révéler trop de choses parce que c'est qu'un prologue. Et sinon, je vois ce que tu veux dire pour le manque de vie des personnages, j'essaierais d'y remédier.
J'avais pas remarqué pour les répétitions mais putin ouais, il y a que ça xD

EDIT : La suite. J'espère que ce sera un peu mieux qu'avant. J'ai essayé de prendre en compte tes remarques Kitu afin de rendre les personnages plus vivants.

Redemption Chapter 1 - “Do you wanna play a game ?”

“Alex ? C'mon ! Wake up !”
“Hum ?” grumbled Alex after a moment “Oh, it's you Enrico. What's up ?”
“How that, what's up ?” replied the man called Enrico “Ain't you supposed to be at work ?”
“Not anymore. I'm suspended by my functions”
“You ? The goodest CIA agent ?” replied loudly Enrico “Are they crazy ?”
“So, firstly, we say best and not goodest. You're English's still not perfect dude.”
“Oh, shut up !”
“And secondly, I'm not the best of the CIA. ”
“But, ain't you the only one who accepted to take care of the Marabunta case ?”
“Yeah” replied Alex “but the internal cases decided that the law was the same for everyone”
“What will you do now ?” asked Enrico
“I don't know. I think I'll continue to work on the Marabunta” assured Alex, walking to the kitchen “but under your orders”
“Under my... Alex, are you alright ?”
“Of course, why do you say that ?” replied Alex
“I don't know. You look strange today. And all the agents under your orders have been killed.”
“Stop talking about it, please”
“And I've got the feeling you don't tell me everything”

As Alex reminded this night, he suddenly felt a pain in his chest, just like if his heart had just turned to stone. He couldn't hide it anymore or he would become mad :

“Well, there's something which bothers me. The man I killed was in connection with the Marabunta, I'm almost sure of that, even if I don't have anything to prove it.”
“And, that's all ?” wondered Enrico “I already know all of it”
“No, there's not only that”replied Alex “I'm afraid that this man was trained to do what he did. Trained to kill”
“A man trained to kill ?”replied Enrico “Stop kidding ! You just need to think at other things. A man trained to kill ! It doesn't exist anymore. We're in the 21st century man. C'mon, hurry up ! I'll wait for you downstairs.”
“But it will take a moment. Go ahead, I'll join you at the club”
“'As you want.” replied the latino, shrugging.

Just after Enrico left Alex's apartment,and after taking a shower, Alex went to his room to get dressed, thinking at this terrible night before he was suspended by his functions. Every time he tried to remember what's happened, a profound feeling of guilt seized him. It was his fault if all this agents were dead. He certainly could do something, which were better that what he's done, that's to say nothing. A bell made him out of his meditation. Someone was ringing at his door. But, when I opened the door, he didn't see anything, except a little business card. Taking the card, he noticed that on its back were engraved a symbol. And this symbol awakened a new fear to him. This symbol was nothing else than the one of the Marabunta. Alex couldn't make a mistake. A big M made by several slashes. This is what was the Marabunta's symbol, which was tattooed on all the Marabunta members, very visible on their right shoulder. Alex watched at the the other side and his fear increased. Indeed, it was written, with a color near to bloody red, a sinister message :

“Hello, Mr Alex Carlston. I'm glad to see that you were suspended of your functions. It will help us to play without the question of the legality because, if you accept to hunt me, you weren't with the law. If you don't accept this game, someone could have an “accident”. If you accept, walk down to your hotel entry.
Signed : M.”

Alex read again the message several times, trying to understand what was going on. The letter M. had, in the Marabunta, a special meaning. In fact, it was the letter symbolizing the boss of the gang. So, it wasn't a joke. It was real, someone really needed help. But, more disturbing, M. seemed to know Alex was the one who took care of the Marabunta case and that he was suspended by his functions. Was there someone belonging to the Marabunta within the CIA ? But, no matter with it for the moment, the important was to save the one threatened by the Marabunta. Alex hurried to go to his hotel entry but, when he arrived at the meeting point, he didn't see anyone particularly suspicious, or rather, everyone was suspicious in his eyes. While he was watching at the people in the street, his phone started to ring. It was an unknown calling :

“Who are you and what are you aiming for ?” shouted Alex
“I'm M., the leader of the gang known as the Marabunta.” replied a deep and quiet voice “And all I want is just to have fun.”
“You're insane !”
“Insane ? Oh, no. I'm just someone who's bored” replied quietly M. “But, you didn't tell me, do you accept to play with me at the game I imagined for you ?”
“Do I have really the choice ?” resigned himself Alex
“Someone else would have it, but not you because you're very attached to justice, aren't you ?”
“...”
“Well, I send you all the information about the one's threatened. Just have fun.” said the mysterious voice
“Hey, wait !” shouted Alex “Every game has its own rules but you didn't tell me anything about them.”
“You called it game, don't you ? It seems you're getting to like it”
“I think that's better if I know what I must expect” replied Alex
“Right. The rules are that there's no rules. You've just got to protect the target until the end.”
“The end ? What does it mean ?”
“It means until the Marabunta is overcome or until the target is eliminated.” replied the voice before starting to laugh “So, let's start !”

Just after saying that, M. hung up. Alex started to run, watching at his phone. Just as the voice said it, Alex received the information about the target some minutes later. It was a girl and her photograph made him having goosebumps. It was Sidney Fiddlings, a young violinist who was just starting to be famous. If she died, it would make a panic movement. Alex just had to hurry up. Then, he watched at her address, which was in California. Whereas Alex were in New York. He took his cell phone and called a friend which lived in Los Angeles :

“¡ Holà Miguel ! ¿ Comó estàs ?” said Alex (Hi Miguel ! How are you ?)
“Bíen, gringo” replied the man called Miguel “¿ Qué quieres ?” (Fine. What do you want ?)
“Soló quiero que haces a volver a una persona que vive cerca de tu casa” replied Alex (I just want you to take back someone living near your home.)
“¿ Porqué ?” asked Miguel (Why ?)
“¡ No te ocupes de esto ! Te envío las informaciones que tengo sobre ella. ¡ Vaya !” (Don't worry about that ! I sent you the information I've got about her. Come on !)
“¿Que debo hacer después ?” (What do I have to do next ?)
“Lleva la en la casa de Enrico.” (Bring her at Enrico's house)
“¡ Hé Comprendido !” (Alright !)

Then, Alex hung up and retraced his steps. Now, he just had to trust into Miguel and to warn Enrico about the coming of Enrico's cousin. He continues to walk during approximately fifteen minutes, thinking about everything which has passed this morning. M. knew his cell phone number. It was an another evidence that someone under his orders had a good place on the federal hierarchy. Finally, he arrived at Enrico's club in which he entered. He walked near the “Cage”, where secrets fights took place during the night and on whom Alex decided several months to not pay attention on. Indeed, contrary to the majority of these secrets fights, the ones of the “Cage” were stopped at the first blood. Then, Alex opened the door of Enrico's office :

“What the heck were you doing ?” worried Enrico
“Well, it's a long story. Can I have a sit ?” asked Alex
After telling him all the story, Alex said that his cousin was about to arrived in one or two days, bringing the “target” called Sidney :

“Do you need something ?” asked Enrico “I can help you if you want it”
“Thanks Enrico but I don't think...” started Alex just before stopping himself, the hand on the handle of the door “Although... Maybe you can find a bodyguard for Sidney.”
“Bodyguard, then ?” repeated slowly Enrico “And I imagine that he must know everything 'bout the Marabunta, didn't he ?”
“No, not everything. Just someone who's not scared about it.” replied Alex
“OK, I see what do you mean. I think I've exactly what you need. It's someone needing to redeem himself for all his past mistakes.”
“You're absolutely sure he doesn't fear the Marabunta ?” asked Alex
“Yeah! I can assure it to you. He's trust worthy and he didn't fear anything. But... There are two potentials problems.” replied Enrico
“What are they?”
“First, he lives abroad.”
“And where?”
“France”
“And the other one?” asked Alex
“He's a bit... special” replied Enrico
“Special? What do you means ?”
“You'll realize it when you'll meet him”
“OK, it's good for me. Call him right now, please. If he's living in France, it'll take about 8 hours for him to be here. So, he must move on right now”
“But, with the time difference, I think he's currently sleeping.”
“What? Sleeping? What time is it?” asked Alex
“It's five p.m.” replied Enrico
“You must be joking!”
“No. When I woke you up, it was already half past four p.m.”
“Oh, man, I can't believe I slept all this time !”
“Don't worry. I'll called him when the “Cage” will close tonight” assured Enrico
“OK thanks.”
“You should come tonight...”
“Yeah, if you want, I don't really care about coming here or not for now.”
“Oh, c'mon Alex, I can only imagine what you're feeling but I know that you need to change your mind dude !”
“If you say it...”
“I'll tell the barman to be ready to prepare your Mexican Peacock” laughed Enrico
“Hey ! Don't say it like that ! It sounds like I'm just some kind of... alcoholic”
“But aren't you one ?”
“You can laugh as you want but I'm the one who's earning the most amount of money” replied Alex
“Maybe but I'm the most badass”
“How childish...” interrupted Enrico's sister

Enrico and Alex stared at each other and started to laugh, going back to their respective home.

Désolé du double post mais au moins, on le verra mieux.
Vu le peu de retours que j'ai eu sur cette version (en fait aucun à part Kitu xD), j'ai décidé d'y mettre fin.
Ce ne fut pas vraiment une surprise dans le sens où je savais que rédigé en anglais pourrait rebuter certains.
Mais je n'abandonne pas
Je vais repartir de zéro et tout réécrire en français alors vous aurez intérêt à commenter BORDEL DE ZUTRE !!1 ( )
J'encourage donc nos modos préférés à locker ce topic dès qu'ils le jugeront nécessaire et à bientôt avec peut-être une histoire si vous êtes sages ^^

EDIT Kaila: Inutile de locker le topic (à moins que tu veuilles en refaire un pour la VF ?)

Tu sais, chaque personne ayant lu ton histoire n'a pas forcément envie de la commenter, même si ça t'aiderait ! Par exemple, même si je l'avais fait pour ce qui précédait, j'ai rien dit sur la suite parce que... j'ai vraiment du mal à exprimer mes sentiments, tellement que j'ai besoin d'inventer des mots que je suis le seul à comprendre ( bloah ! ).
Mais je pense que malgré tout, il faut pas te décourager et continuer à étoffer ça non pas par attente de retours, mais par plaisir.

Je plussoie Kitu.
Perso j'ai un niveau d'Anglais plus que médiocre, donc bon...
Mais si tu sors quelque chose en Français je le lirai sans aucun doute ^^ (et comme l'a dit Kitu, ça ne veut pas forcément dire que j'aurai quelque chose à commenter).

Je m'étais bien douté que tout le monde n'aurait pas forcément envie de commenter mais, c'est surtout que je ne peux rien poster de plus tant qu'il n'y aucun commentaires au risque de transgresser l'un des 10 commandements de St Minou : "De ta vie, le double post tu banniras"

Enfin, j'ai également choisi de revenir à le VF car, autant je suis capable de passer vraiment pas mal de temps à écrire non-stop en français, autant en anglais, j'ai carrément plus la motivation :/

Sinon, je pense qu'il vaudrait mieux locker ce topic et que j'en rouvres un nouveau pour la VF, ne serait que par souci de clarté

EDIT Kaila: As you wish.